Lost Time
by emgeal
Summary: It's a What If fic. The only way I see Bella x Jacob as plausible. I don't own Twilight.


**Summary: This is a what if story directed at all those Jacob/Bella fans. In my opinion this is the only way Jacob/Bella makes any sense. Read it. You know you want to. (Erm.. It takes place sometime during Eclipse, before they know about the army of vampires coming.)**

**So I've read the Twilight books and they have successfully won my heart. The books and the writing not any one individual character. I have been listening to friends opinions on it and have even looked at some forums. Please understand that I fully support Edward/Bella. There are several plot holes, but I'll address those at the end of the fic.**

--

_/I always wondered what it would be like when you died. I wondered if your life flashed before your eyes, or if you simply disappeared into blackness. It's not at all like that. It's more like looking through an old photo book seeing snapshots of your life and remembering what it was like. Remembering the first time I rode a bike, or the last time I cooked breakfast for my family. All those things that had seemed trivial at the time. Even some things that hadn't. Like the first time I kissed **him**. Like the way my world ended when he left. All those memories and more. I could remember the night of the car crash vividly now even though it had eluded me for years. I could remember forgetting. Like a picture in a book I could see Charlie sleeping with his head leaned up against my hospital bed and I could hear two people arguing outside my room./_

"Just give me a chance. The doctors say she's going to have a concussion. If she doesn't remember you it won't hurt her." One voice said defensively.

"And what about when she does remember. She'll think I left her again and I can't do that to her." A velvety voice replied angrily. There was a slight pause and I found myself desperately wanting to see whom that voice belonged to. "I suppose that might work, but what makes you think I trust you that much?"

Another pause caused me to realize that the first person's voice wasn't carrying through the door; that was the only explanation to why I was only getting one side of this conversation. "I suppose. Don't think I'll just leave her though. I'll be here and if she seems the least bit unhappy I will not hesitate to reappear."

I heard a gentle knock on the door and Jacob walked in. I knew it was Jacob as soon as I saw him and I knew that he was a werewolf. Every moment I had spent with him came back with livid detail. Riding the motorcycles and all the trips to the hospital. Walking on the beach and hearing the old stories those were good times. He was my best friend.

"Jacob." I said a bit wearily "It's good to see you."

"Yeah Bella, I'm so glad you're alright." He looked at me, a friendly smile on his face. It was the smile that marked my Jacob as opposed to the werewolf.

"Who's out there?" I glanced over his shoulder to see if the mysterious stranger was visible through the open doorway. I knew that it shouldn't bother me this much, but the need to see who it was consumed me. I tried to move my leg and found a cast on it.

I noticed Charlie leaning against my bed when I looked around and instantly remembered everything. He had put the snow chains on my car so that it wouldn't skid, and he was my father and hundreds of other little things that I knew about him. Sitting in a chair just a bit away was Renee, ditzy and caring just waking up.

"Oh, that's…" She started smiling. The voice interrupted her.

"Charlie, Renee, could I speak with you for a moment?" I let the voice sweep over me even as I leaned to see who it was. The person must have been standing right against the wall because no matter which way I leaned I couldn't quite catch a glimpse of him. Though my parents looked confused they both slipped out.

"Hey Jacob," I started. "Would you please help me get up I want to see where Renee and Charlie went." I struggled to stand, but he prevented me from getting up.

"The doctor ordered you to stay in bed and I'm sure they'll be right back." He said sternly.

"Well who is out there?" I tried to look around him, but his body carefully blocked my view.

"Just the doctor's son. You might get to go home soon if you're good.." I started to respond, but I heard my father yelling in the hallway. I couldn't quite distinguish the words and they quickly got quieter. I could only guess he was walking down the hallway. I could also hear the velvety voice a bit, and that only made me want to get up more. Part of my brain seemed to be dieing with curiosity and another, smaller part seemed to want to go and be with the voice even if it meant ordering Jacob out of the way. Even if it meant hurting him and that frightened me.

I didn't try to get up again and Jacob quickly turned the conversation in a better direction. "So Angela will be thrilled to hear that you're almost well enough to go home."

For a moment I was at a loss, but then I remembered the conversation. "Oh yeah, she was here the last time I woke up. I was really out of it I guess. She kept mentioning a ton of names I don't remember."

Jacob seemed to think for a moment. "Like Mike Newton?" He asked.

"Yeah, but then when he stopped by later I remembered. It was strange." It hurt my head to think about how I had suddenly remembered Mike. It was like before he walked in I had never known him. Angela had been so relieved when I remembered, but there were still a lot of names that drew complete blanks.

"Where's Edward." I said breaking the momentary silence.

"What?" Jacob looked more then a little surprised and I heard footsteps coming down the hallway and I hoped it was a doctor. I bet that a doctor would allow me to get up and investigate the hallways a bit.

"Angela mentioned something about Edward and how he'd be here the next time I woke up. Who is he?" The footsteps paused outside my door and I felt like inviting the stranger in.

"Oh, he was your old boyfriend. He dumped you almost a year ago and stopped by. I told him that you probably weren't going to want to see him. He's the reason you crashed. He was passing through town and the only reason he was going to stick around was because you were hurt. I figured you didn't need to remember someone who did this to you."

I heard the footsteps receding again as Renee and Charlie walked into the room. Renee seemed confused and Charlie seemed a bit defiant. I wanted to ask them what that was all about, but I was feeling drowsy again. As I drifted off to sleep I had my first dream about a velvety voice that apologized for something that I couldn't fathom, the accident I supposed, before singing me a lullaby which sent me into a deeper, dreamless sleep.

--

_/I remember hearing his voice, even though I didn't know it was him. I guess some part of me clung to his memory even when my brain forgot. The same part that had clung to the fact he loved me when he left. I thought it was my ideal boyfriend, my imaginary friend. The voice always warned me against danger even when I hadn't quite realized my situation. It played a major role in most of my dreams, even the ones I forgot right after waking up. The only other time it said anything was occasionally around Jacob; the voice didn't like Jacob very much./_

I hardly realized what was going on as Jacob fell down on one knee and pulled a small velvet box out of his pocket.

"Isabella Swan, will you marry me?" He said and looked up into my eyes hopefully.

Most of me leapt for joy, he had certainly taken his time in asking. Most of me wanted to scream yes and throw myself into his too warm arms. Most of me wanted to jump for joy. There was part of me, however, that wanted to say no. It was the part of me that was always looking around the corner, always searching for the missing piece. It was that part of me that the voice always spoke for.

**No Bella, don't.** The voice was velvety, but urgent. As if I were about to cross some imaginary line into a war zone.

**Why?** I asked it simply.

**Because I love you more. Pick me**. It replied and I almost wanted to believe it. Almost, but not quite.

**You're just a voice in my head. Unless you plan on showing up I plan on ignoring you. You're just my fantasy and Jacob's real. He's here and he's wondering what's taking me so long to reply.**

The voice did not respond. Leaving me alone to speak with Jacob. I knew my answer and I had known it for months now. "Yes. Jacob Black, I will marry you."

As he slipped the ring onto my finger part of me wished that the velvet voice were real. That he would show up and sweep me off my feet. That was silly though; just a teenager's fantasy of a perfect boyfriend. The voice seemed to take my choice in good stride and I didn't hear it for a very long while.

--

_/In fact I could remember the next time it spoke to me, well it didn't exactly speak. It just laughed at me. Me and my foolishness, me and my joy. I had just gotten back from the doctors and couldn't wait to tell him that I…we were going to have a baby./_

In all the old movies mothers to be would entertain themselves with sewing or knitting. I knew that sewing would be a disaster waiting to happen. I'd never heard of someone mortally wounding themselves with a sewing needle, but there was always a first. Considering my accident prone nature I figured that the dull crochet hooks would be dangerous enough for me and sure enough I had barely gotten started and the thread was tangled all around the chair.

I glared down at the mess in my lap hoping it would sort itself out. It didn't even move. I hadn't really expected it to, but there was always hope. I was just starting to untangle it when Jacob walked in. He started laughing as soon as he was in the door, but continued over to aid me.

"What happened? Did someone come and tie you up?" He joked sticking his hands into the mess and trying to help me.

"No I was trying to learn how to crochet, but the thread had other ideas." I smiled as he jerked the threads this way and that trying to unknot them.

"Now what made you decide to do that?" He asked stepping back for a moment to get a better look at the mess.

"Oh Jacob." I stood even though I knew the threads would tangle themselves even further once they were dumped to the floor. "We're going to have a baby!"

The look on his face was priceless. Shock followed by a deep happiness. I stepped forward to hug him, completely caught up in the moment. Unfortunately so were the threads. As my foot moved forward I felt them twist around my ankles causing me to loose what little balance I had. My arms started to windmill as I fell forward. For about a half a second I was sure that my face was going to be having a painful introduction to the floor, but I hadn't counted on Jacob's reaction. Though he was not as strong or fast now that he had stopped phasing he was still much faster then me. He caught me in his warm arms and held me tight and it felt almost perfect.

He lifted my feet out of the tangled mess and sat me down on the couch. "So, what names have you picked out?" He asked.

"What?" I looked up surprised.

"You can't honestly tell me that you haven't been picking out names all day. Isn't that what expecting mother's do? Other the knit of course." I hadn't thought he could smile any wider, but somehow he managed to.

"Well I may have looked at a few baby name sites."

"And?"

"There was one that jumped out at me. A boy's name. Edward."

His face changed instantly at the sound of the name. There was a moment of shock where his face looked as if I had just hit him with a baseball bat or something and then it settled into something completely different. He looked at me like I was playing some cruel sick joke, as if I were hiding something from him.

The voice in my head chuckled as he were part of some inside joke. I glared at it internally, obviously Jacob was upset.

"Bella?" He asked. I wasn't sure what he was asking, but I did know that unless he gave me a good reason I wasn't going to change my mind. Edward sounded perfect. Maybe a bit old fashioned, but otherwise perfect.

"What?" I asked hoping he would explain his reaction. "I just think it's the perfect name. It sounds so romantic, like Romeo or some other hero. Why don't you like it?"

He smiled again, but it was forced. He was hiding something from me, but Edward was perfect. I wasn't going to give up on the name without a fight. Part of me felt like I wasn't fighting about a name. "Please Bella, weren't there any other names that you liked?"

I thought about saying no, but there had been one other name that got my attention. "There was another one, a girls name. Alice."

--

"Look mommy." Joyce pointed out a small yellow flower nestled among the shrubs on the edge of the clearing. She started into the clearing and her twin ran after. I laughed and followed, careful not to dislodge the dandelion tiara that they had made for me. As they stepped out into the sunlight they paused eyes focused on the far line of trees.

"Mommy, who's that?" Lilly started. "They're sparkling."

As I followed their gaze I saw a man across the way and my subconscious supplied an answer before my brain could block it. "Edward?" I breathed.

_/I remember remembering. I remembered falling to my knees as the strange vampire, who I knew very well was not Edward, came towards me. I remember having to fight back the memories to save the girls./_

I struggled to my feet trying desperately to hang onto consciousness though all I wanted to do was whither away. Through everything I had been through, everything I had won and lost, one thing seemed to be clear. He had left me again and I didn't know why.

"Joyce, Lilly. I want you to run home as fast as you can. Okay. No questions." I smiled down at them. I knew there was no way I could outrun a vampire. There was no way they could outrun a vampire, but maybe if it was preoccupied killing me they might make it home, to tell one of the werewolves about the sparkling stranger.

More then anything I didn't want to die now. I wanted to apologize to Edward for everything. For forgetting. And I wanted to yell at him for leaving again. He had probably thought I would have a better life this way, and I suppose it's true, but my death would be much more painful because of it.

I started running diagonal to the vampire. I knew that he would follow me and not the girls. I knew that I was about to die, before anyone could get here. I tripped over a root. Which was not unusual or unexpected, but I had hopped to get more then a few steps away before I fell. This was the story of my life however and I waited to feel the cold stony grip of the vampire. Instead I felt a warm breeze blow on my neck as something jumped over me. I turned my head to see Seth leaping at the vampire. I turned my head back to the ground and covered my ears, not particularly wanting to hear the battle. There was nothing I could do to change the outcome and werewolves were made for this. Several moments later Seth shook me.

"You alright?" He asked looking worried.

"Define alright." I muttered. My mind had now latched onto one thing. I was alive. I was going to be remaining alive for a while. I had to see him. I had to find him. Even if it meant going to Denali and insisting that they take me to him. Even if it meant searching out the Volturi. Even if it meant shattering Jacob's heart.

I hardly saw the ground as I made my way back to our house. I wasn't running, I knew that I would only fall again if I ran. My mind was swimming in my newly acquired memories and plotting how to get a hold of him. I knew that he would come back for me. He had to.

The house came into view and I could see Jacob's worried face. I knew it must have taken all of his patience not to phase. Not to come to my rescue. For a moment, the briefest definition of a moment, I forgot about my new discovery, just long enough to feel happy. He would still age with me. I had asked him never to phase again once we were married. He had kept his promise even when he had every reason to break it. My Jacob was standing there with our children waiting for me.

But the moment was over and Edward came sweeping back into my thoughts. Why had he left again? As I walked I remembered the argument that had taken place in the hallway after my crash. Of course, Jacob convinced him to leave. I knew I should be furious, but I couldn't really blame him. They had both thought they were doing the best for me. If Edward knew I had forgotten him, if he watched me and saw that I was happy with Jacob he wouldn't have seen a reason to come back. He would keep telling himself that I was happy without him. But what is happiness to bliss? How could he do this to me again.

I flinched as Jacob's warm arms wrapped themselves around my body. "Are you alright?" He whispered in my ear. His voice seemed rough compared to the velvety one I was currently clinging to.

"I have to talk to him. I have to see him." I said looking up into Jacob's eyes.

"Who?" His voice was full of false hope. I could tell he wished I would say any name other then the one that was on the tip of my tongue. I could probably have said Aro and he would have been pleased.

"Edward." I said and the hurt on his face made me want to apologize. Part of me said it was his own fault. If he hadn't decided to keep me in the dark about this then he wouldn't have had to worry about me remembering suddenly. A different part reminded me that if I had never remembered then I would have been happy here.

"He left his number." Jacob's voice was hardly over a whisper and his face was a mask. "I'll go get it for you."

He led me gently into the living room and left me by the phone. He disappeared into our room and returned moments late with a laminated card. For a moment I wondered why it was laminated, but when I looked at it more closely it was obvious. The scrap of paper inside looked as if it had been waded, ripped, shredded, and a corner even looked a bit singed. It was miracle that the numbers were still legible. That was the important thing though, that Edward had left it and Jacob had kept it.

I started dialing the numbers, but the paper swam in my vision. It took me a moment to realize I had started crying. I wiped the tears away and continued, but hit a wrong number. I put the receiver down for a moment and then started again, only to accidentally hit two numbers at once. Jacob let this happen a few more times before taking the phone from me.

"Are you sure you want to do this?" He asked and I knew he hoped I would say no. Hoped I would forget about Edward all over again.

"Yes, give me the phone back." I said holding out my hand. He sighed, typing in the numbers and handing the receiver back to me.

I started to glare at him, but a velvety voice answered the phone after the first ring and I forgot all about Jacob Black.

"Hello?" Edward asked.

"Edward! I have to see you."

"I'll be at the line at noon tomorrow." His reply sent a shiver down my back. Tomorrow seemed like an eternity.

"I love you."

"I love you too Bella." I heard a car speeding up right before he shut his cell phone.

Jacob looked for all the world like I had just punched him in the gut. "What time will he be here?"

"Noon tomorrow." I tried not to sound as happy as I felt. I knew that it would only hurt him more.

"The girls are over at Emily's and I need to talk to Sam if there are going to be vampires in the area. If we end up talking too late I'll just crash over there. Unless of course you'd like me to come back here…" His voice trailed off and I realized that I knew what was going to happen tomorrow. I was going to see Edward, I would kiss him and there would not be a choice. I would leave with him, deserting Jacob and the girls. The sad part was Jacob knew it too. He knew that I would leave him for Edward and he knew that nothing he said would change that. He was going to let me make the choice myself.

"If it's too late I'm sure the girls wouldn't mind having a sleepover at Emily's." I said. I wouldn't be much company for any of them tonight, because what I wanted to do was remember everything in order. Was to sort through all my memories of him.

--

I stood on the line waiting. It was 11:57 and I knew he wouldn't be a second late. Jacob was leaning against his truck and the girls were examining some flowers nearby. Jacob was leaning his head back with his eyes closed and I knew he was trying to reconcile himself to what was about to happen. He was trying to deal with the fact that I was about to leave.

I was glad that it wouldn't come as a surprise to him when I went to Edward and left him here. Edward's main qualm with turning me into a vampire was that I would miss out on human experiences, what was there to miss now? If I chose now how could he argue that I didn't know what I was missing. How could he find something that I would miss out on. He couldn't. I knew that and I also knew that my mind had traced every avenue last night. Everything he might say, everything he might do. I already knew that I couldn't look back at Jacob after I crossed over the line. It would hurt us both too much.

At 12:00 exactly his silver Volvo pulled up. It was exactly as I remembered it and I could barely stop myself from running to him. I could barely keep my heart from leaping out of my chest. As he stepped out of the car my heart stopped. He stood by his car, making no moves toward me, just like Jacob, letting me decide.

Instead of the joy I had expected to feel at seeing him, I felt despair. There he stood, perfect and 17 and I stood here twenty years older. I had been acting foolishly. I had expected him to change even when I knew it was impossible.

I started to take a step forward. I knew that if I touched him, if I felt his cool marble skin again I would never leave his arms again. I knew that I wouldn't even look back at Jacob. He would survive, or not, but I would be with Edward. That was where I belonged.

Just as I was about to set my foot down I heard Lilly's voice sound from behind me. "Mommy look at this." She cried and I turned to see a large moth settling on the trunk of a tree near them. I realized then that I couldn't leave. I couldn't leave my two little girls.

The part of me that had always listened for Edward's voice balked at the thought of staying. It pointed out that Jacob was a fine father, even if he needed some help there were Emily and Sam. They would grow up just fine and I could be with Edward.

But I knew that my decision was made. I couldn't leave them. I couldn't choose Edward over Lilly and Joyce. My mother had always meant so much to me that I couldn't deny them their own parent. I couldn't bring myself to do it. Tears were now making slow trails down my face and I didn't bother to brush them away.

I wanted to feel his cold skin, to hear his velvety voice, to kiss him one last time, or at least remember the haunting melody of his lullaby. Anything just once more. But I would be lost forever in that once more and I couldn't let that happen.

"I'm sorry." I tried to say, but my voice failed me leaving it barely a whisper on the wind. I wasn't sure if he heard of if he read my lips, but he nodded slowly and stepped back into his car. I thought my heart would shatter into a million pieces as his car pulled away, but somehow I remained in one place. My hands wrapped themselves around my body and I felt Jacob's hand on my shoulder. He didn't say anything. He didn't have to. I was sure he was sorry for everything he had done, but words wouldn't make it better.

He helped me into the car before calling the girls over. As they climbed in I managed a small smile. They were worth living for.

--

As I lay in the bed, dying, I wondered if Jacob understood my actions for these past months or if he just blamed it on my failing health. I had insisted on being in the company of one of the werewolves at all times because I didn't want to risk Alice seeing. If she saw my failing health I had little doubt that she would tell Edward and I knew he would come. I didn't want him to see me like this, old, wrinkled, dead. I had gone to great lengths to keep the Cullen's from finding out.

Even with all of my precautions I really shouldn't have been surprised when one last person showed up. I couldn't really make him out, my eyes had given out this last week, but I could hear Joyce's voice.

"Who are you?" She asked it in a polite, curious way. She must have been so surprised that someone young enough to be her grandchild was here.

"I'm an old friend of your mothers." He replied in the velvety voice that I had never forgotten. I wondered how I could ever have forgotten him.

Joyce seemed to accept that answer though I bet she must have been wondering what he meant. I felt his cool hand touch mine and I felt my heart stutter, a terrifying thing when death was so close.

"I love you." I whispered. In some ways I was glad I was here, those were the last words I wanted him to hear from me. Those words and nothing else.

"I know, I love you too." He said stroking my gray hair away from my face. I could vaguely here him talking to Jacob, which was a bit strange in my experience, but I was tired and I could feel conscious slowly slipping away.

Then I heard a tune, a tune I never thought I would here again. It was my lullaby. Edward was signing my lullaby to me. For a moment I was lost in it, my heart slowed down to the rhythm of the song and slowly stopped. I drifted to sleep for the last time.

--

**FAQ/Plotholes of Doooommmm**

**Q: Wait. You said this is during Eclipse. What happened to Victoria?**

** A: Well it's pretty much up to the reader, but you know that Edward would never leave Bella in danger. Therefore it's pretty obvious that the Cullens, the werewolves, or even the Volturi killed Victoria without Bella being involved.**

**Q: Speaking of the Volturi…Where are they?**

** A: Well there are a couple of options: 1. They just haven't gotten around to checking up on her. 2. Edward convinced them that she'd forgotten all about vampires. Okay, the chances of #2 are not very good, but it's a possibility. ((You know that made me wonder. Why are the Volturi allowing the werewolves to remain in existence? It seems like a bad idea to me.))**

**Q: You really hate the Edward x Bella pairing don't you? How could you even write this?**

** A: Nope, This is just the only way I can see Jacob/Bella being plausible. Only if she completely forgot about the existence of Edward.**

**Q: Fine you hate Jacob/Bella because you made it end sadly. You couldn't just leave her happily married to Jacob you had to make it seem like the only thing that stopped her from running off with Edward was her kids.**

** A: Well if I had ended it with her happily married everyone would wonder what would happen when she remembered Edward, because she would at some point. As for the kids I'm fairly certain Bella would ditch Jacob even if she were married to him when Edward reappeared in her life. It would hurt her, but she loves Edward so much more. Children were the only thing that I could see holding her back. **

**Q: How did Bella crash her car?**

** A: She saw Victoria when she was driving (on a snap decision) toward La Push. She freaks, swerves, and ends up crashing. Edward arrives seconds later because Alice had seen her crashing. Victoria is smart and runs away and Edward takes her to the hospital. He blames himself for not going with her.**

**Q: Are you going to be writing any more Twilight Fanfiction?**

** A: Probably not. I'm barely making progress on my DC fic. I'm not big on fan fiction especially for unfinished series. Maybe if I get a good idea though…**


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